And before I begin, I am no man hater. But I HATE when women are down bad over men.
There’s a clip from Love & Hip Hop Miami that perfectly encapsulates the way patriarchy has women in a chokehold. Cast mates and former friends, Princess and Amara, arguing over a man and not just any man, but Ray J. The crux of the argument? Insults about who could or couldn’t “get” or “keep” a man, as if their entire worth is measured by male validation.
This isn’t new. It’s an exhausting, generational cycle where women judge themselves and each other based on the men they attract. It’s the same reason why when a man mistreats a woman, society doesn’t look at him and say, "Wow, he’s garbage." Instead, the focus is on the woman. "Why didn’t she see the signs?" "What did she do wrong?" "She must not have been enough for him to act right." Men can destroy a woman’s reputation, but a woman can rarely do the same to a man. The stain he leaves on her name is hers to carry, while he walks away unscathed.
I am reminded of a recent story on TikTok about a woman who quite literally flew herself out to see a man who was barely interested in her. She booked her own flight. She booked her own hotel. His communication became sparse, but instead of taking the hint, she kept texting him, still trying to make it happen. Why? Because, as she emphasized repeatedly in her video, she’s been with big money men. She needed this “win” to maintain her sense of self-worth.
This is the trickle-down effect of patriarchy: Women tying their personal value to whether or not they are “good enough” for a man, whether they can get one, keep one, or, God forbid, be left by one. The wildest part? No one wants to admit that deep down, they see men as the prize. Women will bend over backwards to prove they’re worthy of a man’s attention, and when they succeed, it becomes a badge of honor. How often do we see women subtly (or not so subtly) compete with each other over men? The constant obsession with proving they’re the better choice, the better partner, the one he should want? Meanwhile, he sits comfortably, simply existing, while women fight for a seat at a table he didn’t even set. Take Ciara and Russell Wilson. We all know about Ciara’s Prayer, the infamous plea for a good man after her public breakup with Future, but no one ever asks, "What about Russ?" No one ever questions what he did to deserve Ciara. No one is making a viral prayer about how to attract and keep a "high-value" (🙄) woman. Men don’t have to earn their value in the same way.
How to Untangle Your Self-Worth from Male Validation
The truth is, we will never be free unless we untangle our self-worth from men. There is no finish line where, if you’re good enough, you’ll be chosen and live happily ever after, because the rules will always shift. If you’re too independent, you’re intimidating. If you rely on a man, you’re a gold digger. If you stay after he cheats, you lack self-respect. If you leave, you couldn’t keep him. It’s a losing game. So, how do we opt out? How do we stop measuring our worth by who does or doesn’t want us?
1. Interrogate Your Internalized Beliefs
We absorb ideas about relationships and self-worth from childhood, whether it’s through media, family, or society at large. Ask yourself:
Do I believe a woman’s worth is tied to her ability to attract and keep a man?
Have I ever judged another woman for being single, getting cheated on, or “losing” a man?
Do I secretly feel more valuable when a certain type of man is interested in me?
Do I think my life is incomplete without a relationship?
Awareness is the first step. You can’t change what you haven’t identified.
2. Shift from External to Internal Validation
When your self-worth is external (rooted in relationships, appearance, status, etc.), it’s fragile. It means that at any moment, if a man loses interest, cheats, or leaves, your self-esteem crumbles. The goal is to build internal validation where your confidence comes from how you see yourself, not how others see you. Try this:
Affirm yourself daily. Not just surface-level affirmations, but deep ones: "I am whole, regardless of who is in my life." "I am not defined by who desires me."
Do things for yourself. Buy flowers, book trips, or treat yourself. Not because a man didn’t, but because you deserve it.
Catch yourself seeking external approval. The next time you’re about to send that text you know you shouldn’t or stay in a situation out of fear of being alone, stop and ask, "What do I think this will give me?"
3. Prioritize Your Own Desires
One of the reasons women cling so tightly to male validation is because they’ve been conditioned to center men in their lives. What do you want? What excites you outside of relationships?
Pick a hobby that has nothing to do with dating or attracting men.
Set personal goals that are just for you, whether that’s fitness, career, or creative pursuits.
Take yourself out on solo dates and see how it feels to enjoy your own company.
4. Heal the Scarcity Mindset
A lot of this desperation to be chosen comes from the fear that there’s a limited supply of “good” men, and if you don’t secure one now, you never will, but a scarcity mindset will have you accepting crumbs and competing for men who should be competing for you.
Replace thoughts of "If I don’t make this work, I’ll never find someone else" with "There is an abundance of love and opportunities available to me."
Understand that being alone is not the same as being lonely. You are your own source of companionship and joy.
5. Stop Engaging in Pick-Me Culture
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking or saying:
"I would never let a man cheat on me like that."
"Some women just don’t know how to keep a man."
"I cook, clean, and cater to my man, that’s why he stays."
Congratulations, you’ve engaged in Pick-Me Culture. The way out? Stop measuring your value by what you can offer to a man. Start asking, "What is he offering me?" Stop seeing other women as competition and start asking, "Why are we all fighting for a man who isn’t even remarkable?"
If your value is tied to a man’s interest, you will always be at the mercy of the male gaze, and the male gaze is fickle.
So, the next time you find yourself measuring your worth based on a man’s actions, or worse, tearing down another woman over a man, ask yourself: Who benefits from this? Because I can promise you, it’s not us.
And if you’re truly about breaking the cycle, start with yourself. Choose you first. Always.
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